As usual, the graveyard was quiet as the amber hue of dusk faded into the purply black of night. This assignment to haunt the Sleepy Hollow Cemetery had truly been the most boring of Xeno's death. Most nights their only company was the wretched squirrels scampering about on their little earthly legs showing off their corporeal bushy tails and chattering inanity about acorns. The biggest excitement lately was when a couple of middle-schoolers had ridden their bikes rudely across the well-kept grass and dared each other to touch one of the gravestones. Xeno had made a big show of swirling up wind in some leaves and making spooky creaking sounds in the branches of the nearest tree, but when the youths yelped and ran off the spirit just hadn't felt that sense of accomplishment they craved. Xeno wanted drama; they wanted stakes; they wanted what they did to matter.

 

Tonight not even the squirrels appeared to break up the monotony. Xeno amused themself for a few minutes trying to decipher the worn text describing the graveyard's denizens on their headstones, written by loved ones no doubt long dead now as well. Suddenly, they felt the familiar whooshing sensation of being recalled to the spirit plane – puzzling, since they should have been left to haunt through the rest of the night. Perhaps something was amiss?

 

"Report immediately to the Spirit Allocation Center" directed the unsmiling clerk before Xeno had even fully materialized. They offered no further explanation, already looking back at their paperwork-strewn desk. Xeno hurried off to the Center, hopes rising for an exciting new assignment. They entered the atrium to find it packed to the brim with other spirits milling about in anticipation. This had to be something big.

 

When a Spirit Allocator emerged from a door on the Management side of the hall, the spirits hushed immediately, their gaseous forms swirling as they watched the Allocator approach a projector screen. "Attention, souls!" the Allocator proclaimed unnecessarily; all attention was already pinned on the blank screen. "There has been a development in the living world that necessitates a reallocation of spirit resources." As they clicked a hidden remote, an image appeared. "A recent social media trend," the Allocator sent smoky tendrils out to create air quotes expressing their distaste for having to say ‘social media' out loud, "has returned a historic spirit manifestation method to popularity: the ouija board. 

 

"As you may be aware, our Ouija Department has been drastically downsized over the past several decades as this technology has lost favor among living humans; however, following a very popular video by an influencer," the air-quotes reemerged with a vengeance, "there has been a 4000x increase in ouija usage over the past twenty-four hours. Our existing Department staff have been working overtime to accommodate the influx of haunting requirements, but obviously this is unsustainable and the trend seems to be growing. All of you are henceforth reassigned to Interim Ouija Duty until further notice. You will be summoned directly to the first active ouija session in your specified zone. As always, remember that we do NOT directly intervene in any mortal affairs through our hauntings; we reflect humans' emotions back to them to guide their actions."

 

Xeno's burgeoning hopes crashed down in a scattered heap. Ouija Duty?!? Clearly the other spirits felt similarly disappointed: a collective groan picked up throughout the auditorium, escalating to an ominous wail as souls well-practiced in expressing despair bemoaned being sent to such an insulting task. The Spirit Allocator had swiftly dispersed themself back through into Management, brooking no argument with the assignment they'd delivered. The groan tapered off as one by one the spirits were summoned back to the mortal plane to play silly word games with annoying kids motivated by internet clout.

 

When Xeno regained awareness they were a little surprised by their surroundings. There was no too-bright ring light, no tripod recording setup, no overdone makeup on the face of the girl looking intently at the cheap ouija board sitting on her bedspread. Her fingers rested lightly on the planchette, her brow furrowed slightly as though she wasn't quite sure if she was committed to doing this at all. She squared herself a little, then pressed down and moved the pointer to HELLO before speaking aloud, "I know, I'm supposed to let you move the thingy, but it didn't feel right asking for your help without saying hi first. I'm Hailey. What's your name?" Well, this was a surprise. What a polite child.

 

Xeno supposed that answering the girl – Hailey, the spirit corrected their inner monologue – would be harmless enough. Although they hadn't haunted a ouija board before, they assumed their vast experience rustling graveyard leaves would translate. They settled their presence into the planchette and began applying a gentle pressure towards X. The planchette remained frustratingly still. Hailey's face grew skeptical as she waited for a response. Xeno focused their energy and strained, earning a small wiggle over HELLO. "Your name is Hello? Okay, then. You're funny, I like you." The spirit was taken aback at how the compliment warmed their metaphorical heart.

 

"Okay Hello, let me tell you why I asked you here. See, all the girls at school are doing this ouija challenge thing where they ask the spirits who their true love is, and then they obviously just move it on purpose to say whatever boy they have a crush on so that he'll see it when they post the video and then he has to agree to go out with them cause everybody says he'll get cursed if he doesn't." Oof, teenage politics sounded exhausting. Hailey hesitated for a second before setting her shoulders with determination and forging ahead, "But, see, my crush isn't a boy. And I don't want to put her on the spot like that anyway. But I still wanted to see if it would work..." Oh. Xeno began to understand the shape of things. They re-settled into the planchette and let Hailey's emotions wash into them, feeling where her desires lay and gently aligning their energy to push the pointer towards M. This time it moved a little more easily.

 

Hailey's soft intake of breath confirmed that Xeno had followed her feelings correctly. "Her name is Mindy. I really like her. What should I do?" The spirit considered. What did they know of human romance? Sure, mourning spouses came to graves to pay their respects and Xeno felt sympathetic, but there was nothing they could do beyond providing a comforting insubstantial presence of solidarity. This Mindy was alive. Xeno felt the hum of Hailey's desire, tempered with fear of losing her friend. They slowly encouraged the planchette towards YES. "Yes? What does that mean? Do you think she likes me too? I mean she did give me a Valentine's card and we held hands on the bus the other day but..." Goodness, this girl was hopeless without their help.

 

For a moment Xeno recalled the stern warning from Management not to intervene in living affairs. But this was their chance to make a real difference. They summoned all their energy, grabbed control of the planchette, and moved assertively to T. Hailey's eyes widened, but Xeno had committed and wasn't going to stop now; they carried on to E, L, wiggle on L, H, E, R. When Hailey opened her mouth in imminent protest Xeno made a final push over to YES. Hailey's mouth shut. She picked up her phone and said softly "I'll text her" then after a pause "Thank you." If they had a mouth, Xeno's smile would have stretched it to its limits.

 

As Hailey's attention shifted away from the ouija board, Xeno felt themself being summoned to another haunting. This one looked more like a classical ouija setup – a darkened basement with some wavering candles barely illuminating a girl's face, accentuating her dark eyeshadow and lip gloss. "Hi, spirit" she said tentatively. "My name is Mindy, and you see there's this girl..."