Fiction, Drama
4 min
What's Your Type? [Gameshow!]
Kelly Ta
[The stage goes FULL BLAST with flashing neon lights, a massive, cheese-shaped glittery sign reading What's Your Type?, and the crowd screaming like they just got free concert tickets. The camera zooms in on the host, Cupid, now rocking an obnoxiously extra gold jumpsuit covered in rhinestone cheese wedges. She strikes a dramatic pose, microphone in hand]
Cupid: "Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to another round of... WHAT'S! YOUR! TYPE!"
[The audience LOSES IT. Confetti cannons fire off like someone just won the lottery. One nearly takes out a poor camera guy. A stagehand in the back yells, "WHO AUTHORIZED THAT MANY CONFETTI CANNONS?!"]
Cupid [continues]: "Now, we've already grilled Kerri on her dream guy—who, to summarize, must be a K-pop star with head-ruffling skills—but now, it's time to bring out our next guest! She's tiny, she's mighty, and she's got the cheesiest taste in men! Give it up for... MOUSE!"
[Cue the most DRAMATIC entrance music ever. Mouse struts onto the stage in a stunning yellow dress covered in tiny cheese-shaped sequins. The audience gives a standing ovation. Someone in the front row throws a wedge of brie onto the stage. Security does nothing.]
Cupid: "Alright, Mouse, the people are ready. Let's talk types—specifically, yours. What's the recipe for the perfect man in your eyes? And I swear, if cheese isn't involved in this answer, I'll be personally offended."
Mouse [grinning]: "Oh, Cupid, you know me too well! My type? He's gotta be handsome—like, devastatingly handsome. The kind of guy who walks into a room, and suddenly, I forget how to function. But more importantly? He's gotta know how to make me feel better when I'm sad."
Cupid: "Ooooh, so a good-looking emotional support system? We love that. But, tell me, Mouse, does he also need to... I don't know... have a strong appreciation for dairy products?"
Mouse: "Listen, if he's not down to split a massive wheel of cheese with me at 2 AM, we have no future. NONE. I need a man who understands that sometimes, the only thing standing between me and a total breakdown is a block of Gouda."
Cupid: "So, if he's lactose intolerant...?"
Mouse [dead serious]: "Then he better be lactose DEFIANT."
[The audience goes WILD. People are on their feet. A guy in the second row throws his lactose-intolerant friend under the bus, yelling, "SEE? YOU GOTTA SUFFER FOR LOVE." Cupid wipes away an imaginary tear.]
Cupid: "Mouse, that was POETRY. You have truly set the bar for romance, emotional security, and an unhealthy level of commitment to dairy. Honestly? Icon behavior."
Cupid [continues]: "Alright, when we come back, we're putting Mouse's love of cheese to the ultimate test. How much cheese is TOO MUCH cheese in a relationship? DOES A LIMIT EVEN EXIST?! Stay tuned for more... WHAT'S! YOUR! TYPE!"
[Cut to a commercial featuring dramatic slow-mo shots of cheese melting, a heartwarming piano ballad playing in the background. A deep, serious voiceover says: "Cheese. The glue that holds love together."]
[Commerical ends and Cupid struts back to the stage dramatically with sass]
Cupid: "WELCOME BACK TO... WHAT'S! YOUR! TYPE! Where we're asking the real questions, the important questions—the questions that keep you awake at 2 AM wondering, ‘Would I fight someone over my ideal type?' The answer is YES. YES, you WOULD!"
Cupid [continues]: "Before the break, we learned that Mouse's perfect man must be devastatingly handsome, emotionally supportive, and most importantly, down to risk his digestive health for a cheese-fueled romance. But now, it's time to test her limits!"
Cupid [continues on with a devilish smirk]: "Mouse, I need you to answer this with your whole cheesy heart—is there such a thing as too much cheese in a relationship? Or do we ride or die with dairy?"
Mouse [crossing her arms, dramatic pause for effect]: "Cupid, let me make this clear—if he doesn't respect the cheese, he doesn't deserve the Mouse."
Cupid: "That's cute. That's adorable. But let's make it harder—what if... stay with me—he eats the last piece of cheese and doesn't tell you?"
[Audience gasps. A woman in the second row clutches her pearls. Someone else yells, "JAIL! IMMEDIATE JAIL!"]
Mouse [clutching her heart like Cupid just personally betrayed her]: "NO. Absolutely not. If he eats the last piece and doesn't at least offer to split it with me? That's grounds for DIVORCE, and we're not even married yet."
Cupid [nodding approvingly]: "So, if he eats it and then—hypothetically—comes back with a giant wheel of parmesan as an apology...?"
Mouse [grinning sweetly]: "Then he's back in my good graces. That's a man who understands redemption."
Cupid: "Got it. Commit food crimes, atone with cheese. That's the lesson here, folks!"
Cupid [continues]: "Alright, final scenario. Picture this—romantic dinner, candlelight, soft music, the vibes are immaculate... but he orders a burger with no cheese."
[The audience collectively BOOS. A guy in the back straight-up faints.]
Mouse [VERY offended, personally victimized]: "Cupid, be serious. That's not just a red flag—that's a crime against HUMANITY."
Cupid: "So you're saying—"
Mouse: "I'm saying I would take his burger, add cheese to it myself, and then decide if he's worth keeping."
Cupid [grinning, turning to the audience]: "You heard it here first, folks! Love is patient, love is kind, but love ALSO requires a minimum dairy intake. If he's not suffering for the lactose, he's not the one."
Cupid [continues dramatically]: "Alright, when we come back, we'll put our next guest in the hot seat! Stick around to find out on... WHAT'S! YOUR! TYPE!"
[Cue dramatic music, audience cheers, and the camera zooms out to a cheese-shaped disco ball spinning dramatically overhead. Cut to commercial: a deep-voiced narrator whispers, "When words fail... say it with cheese."]
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